Home Again

After approximately 3,500 miles over 4 days, I’m home safe. I’ll write up a brief post about those last four days this week.

Paul is currently on an Alaska State Highway System ferry somewhere between Skagway and Bellingham. He will disembark on Friday, 8/24, and meander his way back home. Sad to say I did not quite have the luxury of time for the ferry ride, so I had to bust ass (almost literally) back while he sits back to watch the Inside Passage slide by his cabin window.

It’s hard to be bitter after such an incredible trip, though. Bon voyage.

The End of the Road

Anchorage to Seward and Back

Having swapped a 5hr ride to Homer for a 2hr ride to Seward as our last trip, we had plenty of time to get there and back before dinner with Paul’s family. So we got a super-late start…at about 11am or so.

It was nice to wake up in a real house for a change. It felt much more…grounded?…than the usual motel shuffle we’ve been doing for the last several weeks. I woke up initially to a familiar-sounding explosion of noise as Paul’s grandniece ran into his room to get his lazy ass out of bed. Being unrelated and, thus, uninteresting, my lazy ass rolled over and went back to sleep. Anonymity rocks!

I showered, thought about shaving just so I’m not mistaken for a Sasquatch or an oddly-handsome bear when I go out amongst these wilderness dwellers, but decided to take my chances. I wandered downstairs towards the kitchen, but heard the sound of Granduncle Paul hard at work being granduncle-y, so I went out to take care of some stuff with my bike instead.

My main task for the day was to set up my tent, just in case it was needed for my trip back (however unlikely that is). I hadn’t gotten around to assembling it before we left, so it’s been a bit of an open question. I grabbed the tent and my camping gear from the saddlebag they’ve been living in, unmolested, and brought the bunch inside.

It was about now that I drew the attention of the grandniece. The first I saw of her was this cartoony swirling cloud of activity, kinda like the Tazmanian Devil. She spun over to me, grabbed my hand and dragged me bodily into the back yard. I held her attention for about five minutes, in which she:

  1. Set up my tent (it worked!)
  2. Picked raspberries for me to eat (tasty)
  3. Showed me a giant spiderweb by the raspberry bushes
  4. Showed me how high she can swing
  5. Showed me her Iron Cross move on the rings
  6. Fed me some “stone soup” (which had no stone in it, oddly, but did have rose hips, green apples, groundwater, and various twigs. Oh, and a dash of cumin (genius!))
  7. Played legos with me. She was the fairy and I was the mermaid
  8. Told me how old she is (6)
  9. Taught me how to spell her name (G-R-A-C-E)
  10. Told me about the barbecue she was going to today (she brought pasta salad)
  11. Went over her chore list
  12. Read a book
  13. Discussed the geopolitical ramifications of Israel’s aborted attempt to exclude two US congresswomen (okay, I made that last one up, but only because she probably didn’t want to confuse me with discussion about such a complex issue)

I somehow escaped her clutches by pawning her back off on Paul. I think I wandered off to take a nap. I was exhausted.

Princess G-R-A-C-E has taken command of her new throne.
And her loyal subject. (Due to parental concerns, no children were taken for a ride for the making of this photograph.)

When Paul was able to briefly escape from her swirl of activity he grabbed me and practically dragged me to the bikes. He knew he had to get out of there soon or he’d be deep in his own grandpa-nap and done for the afternoon. We hit the road for Seward soon thereafter.

The road to and from Seward was pretty spectacular. It starts out at sea level, following the coastline outside of Anchorage for about an hour (past Turnagain Arm, which hosts the fantastically-named Turnagain Arm Pit BBQ). The road then climbs a bit over a short pass and drops onto the Kenai Peninsula. On the way it passes by and through a series of spectacular jagged peaks and several ice fields. We (of course) stopped to take pictures of the ice, but I was able to keep Paul moving towards Seward with promises of beer.

You DON’T want to know what Paul was doing while I distracted myself by taking this picture. This is Exit Glacier, apparently, by the way.

We cruised through the town, then headed straight to Ray’s, a restaurant recommended by…Sheryl?…Cheryl?…well, Paul’s niece. Unlike her daughter, she didn’t teach me how to spell her name within minutes of meeting her. I hadn’t realized it before, but that’s a pretty useful practice. Maybe I’ll work it into my professional life.

ATTORNEY: Good morning your honor. I’m Jeff. That’s J-E-F-F! I’m 49!
THE COURT: …okay…
JEFF: Could the record reflect that I’m holding up my fingers to confirm that I am, in fact, forty-nine?
THE COURT: um. The record will so reflect, I guess.
JEFF: Do you have any juice?
THE COURT: We’ll be in recess.
JEFF: Yay!

I think I’m on to something. Anyway, we’ll call Paul’s niece S/Cheryl, to avoid any misspellings.

Regardless, Ray’s was great. Good food. Good service. We clinked our glasses to celebrate a successful trip and reaching the farthest point that we would make it to. It was a nice “end” to a great trip. After lunch we shopped for some souvenirs and hit the road back to Anchorage.

View from The Restaurant at the End of the Road.

This is a good point to interject an observation about Alaska. The winter cold is dangerous. The wildlife is dangerous. Having Russia peeking in your bedroom windows at night is dangerous. But the most dangerous thing in Alaska? The drivers. They are fucking terrible, full stop. All of them.

This sign is actually intended to warn the moose that Alaska drivers are in the area, so they’d better be ready to kick some ass!

These drivers seem to have won their licenses in some sort of giveaway. They treat lane lines like a mere suggestion. The speed limit is apparently some sort of unattainable goal to them. “55mph? That sounds exhausting. How about 40…?” should be the state motto. We went through a roundabout and I’m pretty sure three or four people are still circling, waiting for their cars to run out of gas so they can finally give up. Seriously, on the off chance that you spot an Alaska license plate near you on the road, get some distance and (preferably) some heavy artillery between you and the offending vehicle. It’s only a matter of time before they find their next victim.

After lunch it was back to Anchorage for us. I had intended to head out about this time for Tok (a 6 hour drive or so) to get a head start on the trip back. But geography, pleasant company, the promise of beer, and an enticing lamb sous vide for dinner persuaded me to stay one more night. (The geography was an issue because once you head down the road past Whitehorse, there’s not much in the way of accommodations for hundreds of miles, anyway. So getting a jump on the road to Whitehorse wouldn’t have helped much, just made that leg of the trip a bit shorter.)

We stopped and bought beer and wine to go with dinner. Then back to S/Cheryl’s house, where she and her boyfriend Charles had prepped the lamb and some asparagus. What an amazing meal! Restaurant quality, at least, I must say. It was my first experience with home sous vide, and I’m sold. Good conversation, too. It was over all too soon, as S/Cheryl and Charles had to get up for work in the morning and couldn’t stay up too late. Paul’s sister Lori (or is it Laurie? What is it with these older Grech women not spelling their names for me?) had to get plenty of rest to prepare for Hurricane G-R-A-C-E in the morning, too. So we packed it in and called it a night. Good day.

Starting Odometer: 37,401
Ending Odometer: 37,658
Daily Total: 257
Running Total: 5,095

Onward and Southward!

Denali to Anchorage

Once again, we knew we had a relatively short day ahead. So we dawdled a bit in getting out on the road. Seriously, this time. It wasn’t until about 11 or so that we finally headed out! 🤯

We cruised down the road past Denali, stopping in the park for a couple of housekeeping items. First, we needed to take pictures with the signs (which were posted in this blog as if I had taken them on the day before because I am a liar). That done, we also wanted to check out the Denali train station. I expected it to be a bit cooler than it actually is, but maybe I’m just a bit jaded on actual log construction at this point. On the other hand, two independent train station employees scoffed at our plan to go to Homer and instead steered us towards Seward (which is also on the Kenai Peninsula southish of Anchorage. A quick look at the map app told us that Seward was a 2hr trip vs. the 5hr drive to Homer. Sold! Seward was now our ultimate trip destination.

We hit the road and continued on towards Anchorage. On the way I kept noticing a cloud that looked an awful lot like a mountain. Holy crap, it’s Denali itself, disguising itself, moose-like, as if it were something else entirely!

One of these clouds is actually the largest mountain in the known universe!

Take my word for it, we both saw Mt. McKinley-Denali’s snowy reaches at a great distance. And frankly, we weren’t even looking. We thought that we’d be well south of the mountain based on the accessible parts of the national park. Nope!

We kept driving a bit, keeping our eyes out for good views of the mountain. Unfortunately the trees moved in, followed by more clouds. Both effectively blocked our view for most of the trip.

We sped past a sign announcing the dramatically named Hurricane Gulch, followed by the most vertigo-inducing bridge I’ve been across in awhile. We stopped on the far side and hiked around a bit to get some photos of this incredible gorge.

The lean back really sells it.
I like my bridges like I like my women. With a bit of drama.
Paul, contemplating two more days on the road with me.
Paul, nooooooooo!

I kid. Paul and I continued down towards Anchorage. We passed a Denali viewing point (which was odd, because I think you can see it from virtually every point in the state), so we flipped a u-turn and pulled into the parking lot. It was…less than magical.

There is a mountain hiding in this picture. And undoubtedly some moose.
At least we found this helpful Guide To Your Disappointment. I think this was a metaphor for my mother’s feelings as my parent.
“Um, Paul, my peaks are up here.”

We sat at a picnic table and ate yesterday’s sandwiches while looking at where Denali should be. I can assure you that we probably did not drink the last beer from our Fairbanks booze run for lunch.

Lunch done, we continued our meander towards Paul’s niece’s house in Anchorage. Paul assured me several times that he didn’t need to stop to get directions to the house until we got to the City. So we got to the City, he got the directions (that he “didn’t need”) and we headed back the way we’d come for several miles…

Eventually we ended up at his niece’s lovely home….without a gift for our host because 1) we’re bad people and 2) we’ve been in the North American Outback for weeks and she’s lucky we had bathed today, really.

What can I say about Paul’s family except, damn, what amazing people. They made room for us in their home and graciously let Paul take us out to dinner! Afterwards, we sat out back and (eventually) watched the sunset while chatting and drinking some tasty local and home-brew beer. It was easily one of the most comfortable, memorable nights of the trip.

Starting Odometer: 37,145
Ending Odometer: 37,401
Daily Total: 256
Running Total: 4,838

It’s A Teddy Bears’ Picnic!


We knew it was a slow day, so we slept in, took it slow, had breakfast, and headed out at a leisurely 10am or so. So nice to change it up a bit.

Breakfast was interesting, if only for the scenery. The food was tasty, mind you, but I kept getting distracted by the GIANT STUFFED MUSK OX in a box just over Paul’s shoulder. Let me show you:

Hmmm. That’s not so bad…
Holy shit, dude, it’s right behind you!

Once we’d shooed off the zombie musk ox and eaten our (quite tasty) sausage and eggs, we rode down to Denali. It was just a couple of miles.

I stopped along the way to Denali to take a picture of this lovely river canyon.
Oh look, Paul found something that’s captured his attention. Must be a glacier?
Nope! It’s the image from his parents’ painting! (Narrator: It wasn’t.)

An aside about the weather is in order. On the way down to Denali, it was sprinkling but mostly dry. Paul opted to wear his dry weather gear, accordingly. There was initially some confusion about whether the predicted rain had actually come to Fairbanks, calling into question our snap decision to drive to Denali fairly late into the night at the end of a long day. We later met a woman in the park who had driven down to the park from Fairbanks that morning. She assured us that the skies had opened up last night, and in fact it was still pouring this morning. She said that the drive down in her rented truck was a bit hairy. We hadn’t regretted the decision to come down in any case, but the news certainly prompted a new round of self back-patting.

Once in the park we decided to drive in as far as possible, which is only about 10 miles. Unlike the other parks we’ve visited on the trip, Denali only allows private vehicles in to a certain point. We drove all the way in, got turned away by the rangers, and drove back out to the Visitor’s Center. We checked out a map and hit the souvenir shop, where we were told that in order to go any deeper into the park we would have to take a park-operated bus from the Bus Depot. We dutifully headed to the bus depot to find out what was available. Our only viable option at that point was a bus leaving in an hour at 2pm for a…wait for it…8 hour ride in and back. As Melissa said, “Fuuuuuuuuck.”

Did I hear someone say, “North!…to Alaska!”?

All right. If that’s what it takes, that’s what it takes. So we took it. We had an hour before the bus left, so we boogied back to the visitor’s center and grabbed a quick lunch of beef stew. We also grabbed some sandwiches for the bus, just in case. We headed back just in time to jump on as the bus was leaving. While I didn’t capture a picture of the “tour” bus, I found this accurate representation on the internet:

We had apparently booked the “Special Tour”.

Luxurious, no, but the ride up was fairly uneventful. A couple of wildlife sightings, including a moose mama and calf, and a close-up bear foraging on a hillside. Paul and I both nodded off once or twice, befitting of men of our advanced age, but we were mostly awake. At least for the good stuff. As we rode along the weather worsened. Pretty soon it was a steady rain and a very low cloud and/or fog cover outside of the bus. About 2.5hrs into the 4hr outbound leg of the bus ride we were about done, so we jumped off the bus at the next rest stop and grabbed a returning bus back to the bikes. The rain continued throughout the ride, increasing early on to “steady downpour.” It then ramped up to “deluge,” followed by periods of “torrential.” Paul began to ruefully joke with the other passengers that “at least my rain gear is warm and dry at the motel.” Ha ha.

The rivers in Denali are mostly wide, braided, gravelly affairs. I’m more of a “raging torrent” kind of guy when it comes to rivers. And the tears of my defeated enemies.
This blog brought to you by Heavenly Ski Resorts. Ski Heavenly. Discover more™.

The return bus had its benefits, though. First, the wildlife sightings were great. Close-up caribou running away from the bus. A very close moose lady browsing on some brush right by the road. A few Dall Sheep identifiable but at a distance. And best of all, a group of four bears that were foraging together on a slope. Paul and I were pretty sure it was one bear we had seen on the trip up which had been joined by a mama bear and twin cubs. Regardless, pretty cool.

It’s a Teddy Bear Picnic!
Hey Rocky…

Another benefit was the driver/guide. He took it upon himself to make dinner/drink recommendations for after the bus ride. We followed one of his recommendations and it was amazing. (More on this in a moment.)

The downside was that I no longer had my own row. I had to share with a young woman from Maui that was staying in Fairbanks. This woman could not shut up. Or if she could, she opted not too. Functionally equivalent from where I was sitting. It was nooooooonstop. Paul later complemented me on my restraint in not murdering her where she sat. He did appreciate the fact that one of my few contributions to the conversation was a joke (really) about my twin and I being identical, except she has the bigger penis. It was meant to generate a shocked silence. It didn’t work. Sigh.

But soon enough the ride was over. We were back well before our 10pm anticipated arrival, and early enough for dinner. Unfortunately the rain was still pouring down, but it was set to taper. Paul again declared that he had left his rain pants at home so we wanted to minimize the distance in the heavy rain. Which let to us taking the guide’s suggestion and going to Prospector’s Pizza. Neither one of us was in the mood for pizza, and we wanted to get back to the hotel, but it was just soooooo wet out that we took the compromise.

I would’ve driven past this place 100 times out of 100 without the recommendation. But that would’ve been a mistake. A big one. We ordered beer, of course, but also a pizza for dinner. While they had “normal” stuff, we went with a pizza with elk sausage and reindeer pepperoni. It was awesome. Possibly the best pizza I’ve ever had. Just magic in your mouth. Put simply, go there if you’re within 100 miles. Period.

And that was about it. We drove back to the hotel and crashed out around midnight. On the way in to the room Paul looked in his saddlebags and realized that he’d had the rain pants with him the whole time. But I didn’t make (too much) fun of him, because his mistake led us to the best pizza ever. And that was fine by me.

Starting Odometer: 37,088
Ending Odometer: 37,145
Daily Total: 57
Running Total: 4,582

Brokeback Highway…?

Dawson to Fairbanks to Denali

This was a loooooong day. Good though.

We rolled out of bed at some point and grabbed some breakfast at the hotel cafe. Then we started loading up the bikes yet again. With repetition this has gotten much easier, faster, and far more efficient. Because of this streamlining we managed to get on the road…at a little after 10.

We had stayed the extra day in Dawson for a couple of reasons. We both felt like a break would be nice after almost two straight weeks of pretty heavy riding. Also, Dawson was one of the first places that we’d been to in this phase of the trip that seemed to have some character to explore a bit. But perhaps most importantly, the Top of the World Highway between Dawson and Fairbanks is largely an unpaved dirt/gravel road. With the rains on Saturday night and into Sunday morning we were concerned that Paul’s street bike with street tires would be in deep trouble on the slippery mud. The forecast for Sunday and Monday was clear and sunny, so the hope was that the extra day would help dry things out for us.

We gassed up on the way out of town. I noticed at the gas station that my rear suspension was not “preloading” the way it should. (Preload helps set up the suspension for the weight on the motorcycle, and I needed a lot of extra preload due to my bags and generally monstrous size.) This had happened once before and I used my IT skills to fix the problem, computer-style: I turned the bike off and on. This trick didn’t work, so I set off on the first real test of my bike’s suspension with said suspension in some sort of failure mode. Sweet.

On the ferry, off the ferry, past the hostel (holding up crucifixes and garlic in front of us as we passed), and on to the Top of the World. In short, our plan worked! The road was dry and smooth, and the ‘wing glided through it with ease, although our speed was slower than usual. We stopped at a turnout to take a picture and I took the opportunity to diagnose my shock absorber. With my primary tool (restarting the thing) not working, I tried my second most effective tool: a good stern look. I stern-looked that shock like no shock has ever been sternly looked at. I got back on the bike, fired it up, and…preload city! It is a fine stern look, but the power of it surprises even me at times.

Onward through the dirt and gravel with hardly any other traffic to interrupt the scenery. After a few hours or so we got to the border and jumped through their hoops. I asked if the road was paved the rest of the way and got a hearty laugh. Nope. And, in fact, it’s in significantly worse shape than the Canadian side of things. Paul and I were both feeling a bit more confident and the pace picked up a bit for awhile.

Views from the (aptly named) Top of the World

We stopped along the highway in a town called Chicken, which is predictably a bit of a tourist trap. A bit of shopping, a trip to “the only flush toilets in Chicken” and we were off.

Chicken has a chicken. And a big old dredge.

We slogged a bit through the remains of the largest forest fire we’d ever seen and eventually ended up back on the Alcan Highway, about 1,400 miles from where we’d started on it in Dawson Creek. It felt odd to be on a major road again, but the absence of traffic helped ease the shock. At a city called Tok we pulled in to get gas and were instantly surrounded by All Of The Bugs. Bees, wasps, mosquitoes, gnats. Hell, I think there was some species of flying dog in the mix. It was weird. And then we noticed that the whole place had a Deep In Appalachee feel to it. Bugs? Hillbillies? Screw this place, we’re rolling.

As we cruised through the first large Alaskan town I spotted a sign lettered with red and gold goodness: “Wells Fargo!” I yelled into the intercom. We pulled in and 10 minutes later I had a temporary ATM card to replace the one from my wallet. Heaven. While I got my cards, Paul booked a room for the night in Fairbanks. Job done, we got back on the road to Fairbanks.

Just short of our target we found ourselves in North Pole, Alaska. Of course we had to stop to say “hey” to Santa and to kiss his ass a bit for this coming season. That taken care of we stopped at the post office to mail some postcards and headed into town for dinner.

‘sup, Big Guy?

We drove straight to downtown and pulled up Yelp to find a dinner place. The pickings were slim and stuff was closing soon, so we jumped on The Chowder House and boogied on over. Bad choice. The food was meh and there was no beer to be had. Ouch. While stewing over dinner my eye wandered over a newspaper rack outside the window. Hmm. “NWS ISSUES FLOOD ALERT!” Whaaaaa? I pulled up Apple Weather and saw that there was rain predicted for the next three days (which I already knew but I hadn’t looked deeper). So I went to weather.com. The weather forecast for the next few days was: “RUN!” Hmmm. “Flooding predicted in the Chena Hot Springs area, with road closures likely.” Hmmmmmmmmmmmmm. “Hey Paul, what’s the name of our hotel?” “Chena Hot Springs, why?”

So we chatted for a few minutes about options. We’d just ridden about 11 hours to get to Fairbanks and found it to be a bit…disappointing. The food seemed to be meh, the scenery was blah, and the sky was trying to kill us. Our minds turned to Denali and the Totem Inn. I looked it up and it was just another 100 miles down the road and the rain wasn’t slated to start for about 2 hours. A call to the Totem Inn told me that there was just one room left, and it only had a full bed in it. Rollaway? Nope, due to fire regs. Couch? Nope. “Fuck it,” I said, “the heart wants what the heart wants.” And I booked it.

We grabbed some beer to go from a local liquor store, put on our rain gear and set out for Denali. Basically, we were racing god. And guess who won? Damn straight! We beat the rain by a good 20 minutes and got there dry as a bone. (How’s that for hasa diga eebowai?) Checked in and grabbed a beer at the bar to settle in. The hotel and bar were solid, we were dry and happy, and Denali was just a few minutes down the road.

An angry, defeated sky over the Totem Inn.

And then the front desk guy found us to tell us the best news of the day. We were in a different room than he’d thought and he was bringing a rollaway bed in for us. Now that’s a happy ending we can all be comfortable with.

Starting Odometer: 36,592
Ending Odometer: 37,088
Daily Total: 486
Running Total: 4,525

Dawson Redux

Dawson City

Overnight we realized that we had totally misjudged the hostel situation. We slept like logs, woke up happy and refreshed, and Dieter brought us breakfast in bed. And my wallet was on the tray!

Nope. Lies. It just sucked. I have a friend. We’ll call him “Matt” for anonymity’s sake. He travels the world for his job. Mumbai? That was Tuesday. Borneo? Next Saturday. You get the idea. I’m sure he would have loved Dieter’s Sex-And-Murder Hole. I’m not Matt. I like…electricity. Toilet paper. Living through the night. You know, all the modern amenities.

So we woke up a bit non-plussed, shall we say. Typically it was a tossup as to who was first to shower, etc. Nope. Neither of us set foot in the “washroom”. Teeth were not brushed. Bowels were not moved. We just Got. Out. Packed up our crap and boogied before Dieter got his knives resharpened.

We took our bikes across the river and grabbed a really humanizing cup of coffee and a pastry on Front St. Things were looking up. We walked around the town a bit, and it’s clearly primarily a tourist trap, but it’s fun. Dirt streets, wooden sidewalks, and a functional economy. Truly an interesting place. I slipped down to the local RCMP office and made a report for my lost wallet. In the unlikely event that it’s found, they’ll call me. In the more likely event that I’m pulled over for speeding, I’ll have a report number to corroborate my claim that I lost my license with my wallet.

The current in the Klondike River is no joke. The ferry never really points in the direction that it’s actually headed.

This morning is when we realized that Paul’s bike it the true attraction in this place. BMWs like mine are a dime a dozen at this end of the world, but the latest model Goldwing doesn’t make it up the Klondike Highway much. It wasn’t long before there was a small crowd around the ‘wing and Paul was holding court over a small coterie of rapt, hard-looking bike aficionados. One asked if we were going up the Dempster, which is the dirt “highway” that leads up past the Arctic Circle to the Arctic Ocean. Paul assured him that, no, were were just going over the Top of the World Highway to Fairbanks. “Oh good,” he said, “if you were going up the Dempster I’d have to wrestle you to the ground.” I understood what he meant, really, but I couldn’t help but hear it with odd sexual overtones. An unsettling vision of some random biker guy humping Paul’s leg lingering in my mind’s eye, we moved away down the street.

After wandering a bit, we both independently realized that we really just wanted to go for a ride. So we hopped on the bikes and rode about a half hour south to the start of the Dempster, just to check it out. Unsurprisingly, it was just another dirt road heading off into the distance, and we turned around and cruised back into town. We both felt a bit liberated just driving for fun, rather than trying to get to a destination. It would’ve been a relaxing ride for me if I hadn’t been totally unable to stop myself from scanning the side of the road for my damn wallet. No luck. On the other hand, I did spot more mooses! This time it was a Mama Moose and a Baby Moose. And apparently Deadbeat Dad Moose was busy elsewhere. I had Paul circle back around so he could see the moosies, but he didn’t understand what was going on and began to scan the horizon for possible locations from his parent’s painting. The meese took the opportunity and slid back into the forest. Paul was, again, unsuccessful, but I scored yet another picture of the Eloosive Moose.

About as close as we came to braving the Dempster was reading about it on the side of the road.
I spy with my little eye something that starts with the letter “Moose”.

We got back just in time to check in to the Downtown Hotel for the night, and we checked in with enthusiasm! Shower. Tooth brush. Some down time in a quiet warm room. We felt almost human again.

After a bit of recuperation, we wandered out for dinner. But first, beer! Back to the home of the Sourtoe, where it was quieter because it wasn’t yet “Toe Time”. This time, though, the quiet was an unfortunate thing. You see, the Klondike’s Worst Singer had taken up residence and, sadly, we could hear him over the din of the crowd. It was…so bad. Soooo bad. I kind of wish I had a recording of him, but I love you all too much to subject you to that. Here’s a picture.

“Toe Time” ‘nuf said.
You should thank me that you can’t see what I could hear.

After suffering through good beer and bad singing, we wandered down the road to the local (ahem) “alternative” bar. Fair to say that not an eyebrow was raised when we walked in together. The beer was good and the drinks looked…interesting(?), but the major benefit was the conversation we had with Tim, a local from North Pole that was in Dawson on vacation. He warned that Fairbanks sucks (correct!), he recommended the Totem Inn outside of Denali (great call!) and insisted that we go to Homer before we leave (now in the itinerary). His passion convinced us on all points, frankly. So far so good.

“No, that’s not my order. I really do want you to spank my naughty ass. And an IPA when you get a chance.”
I did enjoy that “Aperol Spritz” was naughty enough on its own.

After drinks, dinner at the local greek place. They do pizza, for some reason, which was great. We also had a very good greek salad. Still a bit tired from the night in the Hostel At The End Of The World, we went back to our civilized room and sacked out.

This wasn’t what I had in mind when I suggested that we “try a little Greek.”

Odometer Start: 36,537
Odometer End: 36,592
Daily Total: 55
Running Total: 4,039

A Wild Moose Appeared!

Whitehorse to Dawson

So this day was one hell of a mixed bag. Mostly good weather, until it wasn’t.  Mostly good road, until it wasn’t.  Mostly good luck, until it wasn’t.

Paul got up and washed his bike.  I took the time to go to hike a local trail that had been recommended.  It was nice, and it got my legs stretched out a bit.

Paul came back and we got on the road at about…10am.  The first signs of trouble came as I was waiting for Paul to get rolling.  My boot slipped in the gravel and the bike started to go over.  I fought it a bit but finally gave in and rolled off as it hit the dirt.  No damage, as the engine guards and hard cases did their jobs admirably, but damn was it hard to get back upright.  I wrenched my back just a tad, but nothing more than a bit of tenderness really.  Too bad the hot spring was yesterday…

Prior to leaving I had looked at room availability in Dawson City and come up empty.  This was a bit concerning, since there’s no other options up there and you’re hours away from anyplace.  I called Melissa and she was kind enough to poke around for me while we finished up packing and gassing up.  I also reached out to Kim (who knew that we weren’t fully equipped for camping), and she volunteered to share a campsite and trade my one-man tent for her three-man for the night if need be.  Not ideal, but nice to know that we’d at least have some sort of option for the night in an emergency.  Just as we were done gassing up, though, Mel called to report that she’d booked us a room on AirBnB.  Sweet! We were off and running, secure in our lodging situation.

We hit the road to Dawson, which is called the Klondike Highway and is in surprisingly great shape. The only thing that really differentiated it from a country road in rural California is the fact that you can drive 100 or more miles between villages/services.  We made two stops for gas along the way, and generally took it easy and enjoyed the scenery.  Traffic was fairly light, although there were more cars than I expected on a road that goes more or less nowhere.  After the second gas stop we started driving though long sections of gravel, which wasn’t ideal, but also wasn’t much of an issue for me (or even for Paul on his ‘wing).

Five Fingers Rapids on the Yukon River.
Klondike Highway to Dawson.

At about this time we passed through a zone of cell coverage and got the news that the B&B had declined the reservation and that there were no rooms available anywhere in Dawson. Awesome.  Melissa continued to work from her end, and we kept going to Dawson because we could see the rain clouds forming up ahead.

But then…Moose Attack! Well, actually it was browsing the growth at the edge of the forest on the side of the road.  We stopped and took a picture, high-fiving each other for finally sneaking up on an unsuspecting moose.  

What’s that in the distance?!?!
It’s a Moose! A mutha fuckin’ moose!

It started to rain just outside of Dawson, followed by strong winds.  We rolled into the City in pretty heavy rain and Mel called to say that she’d got us a room at the Dawson City River Hostel, but we needed to get there ASAP.  So we kept rolling through town to the (free, 24 hour) ferry at the end of the main street. A few minutes later our bikes were tucked in to an unused area on the car ferry and we were cruising across to the far side of the Klondike.  Off the ferry and the hostel was right in front of us.  

Dawson from the ferry.
Crazy signs, crazy mind. Is that a saying? If not, it should be.
Hand-built cabins with no heat, power, or signs of the 20th century (let alone the 21st).
Dieter’s Lair, from whence he oversaw his…collection of crap.

We were greeted by the weirdest conglomeration of signs, art, detritus, and hand-built shacks/sheds/lean-to’s and other structures, all of which together formed the hostel grounds. Tired, wet, and dirty, we eventually found the office and made our way in to meet the owner, a German ex-pat named Dieter.  Damn was he weird.  And then the bottom fell out…

I reached in my pocket to get my wallet to pay for the room.  No wallet. I’ll spare the details, but I looked everywhere.  It was nowhere to be found.  Contrary to common sense and my normal traveling practice, I had everything in one place. Driver’s license, credit card, debit card, cash and passport card.  Save the lectures.  I know why this was insanely stupid, and I know not to do it.  I’ll blame a bit of road fatigue and complacency which had led me to consolidate things into their normal places of the last few days, rather than keep them separated out like they had initially been.  As best I can tell, this whole thing happened at the second gas stop.  I went to stick my wallet back into a chest pocket on my jacket and missed.  Because I’m wearing an airbag vest over the jacket I can’t see that pocket and I just assumed that the wallet went in properly. Again: road fatigue.  I suspect that the wallet slid down and sat in my lap while I rode, likely falling unnoticed to the ground when I stood up on the pegs while driving through a gravel stretch.  Once on the ground it would be virtually unnoticeable (except maybe as trash). Between the rain and other vehicles, I have no doubt it would be lost forever almost immediately.  I reported the loss to the RCMP the next morning (Sunday) and called the local service stations to leave my name and phone number in case it’s turned in.  I suspect that it will soon be encased in new asphalt and some archeologist for whatever species supplants humans will discover it a million years from now. Paul loaned me some cash from his stash and will cover my gas until I can make it to a Wells Fargo in Fairbanks on Tuesday.  Proving once again that a good riding partner is invaluable.  I should note that I had my passport in my saddlebags, so I’m still mobile and have ID.

While it’s certainly not the end of the world and is, at most, a bit of an inconvenience, that was a pretty major blow.  I gotta say I felt embarrassed and angry in pretty overwhelming waves, but I calmed down a bit as we unloaded the bikes.  So the next blow was the cabin.  “It didn’t have rodents” is probably the best thing I can say about it.  No power, no heat, bunk beds and a gappy wood floor. It was like walking into the camp cabins in Friday the 13th, just before Jason Voorhees discovers his true love for stabbing the daylights out of his fellow campers.  It was time to find the outhouse, with a serious case of Bladder Urgency clamoring for my attention.  I half-ran, half-peepee-danced through the maze of buildings looking for the camp bathroom.  No luck. I ducked behind a convenient tree and soothed my angry bladder right there for all to see.  About 10 minutes later, Paul told me that he’d done the exact same thing.  Dieter needs to up his signage game, apparently.

About this time, as the rain continued to fall, Kim texted to find out if we’d had any luck.  I let her know about the hostel and she headed our way, since the campsite was soggy and gross.  By the time she got checked in and her dog settled in her cabin, I had calmed myself down a bit and we were ready to head back across the river to Dawson.  The rain abated and a pleasant (but weirdly bright) evening set in.

On the ferry to dinner.

We walked back to the ferry and into town.  First stop was the Jack London Saloon, reknowned for its Sourtoe Cocktail. (Note that “sourdough” is local term for a person that lives above the Arctic Circle year ‘round, so the name of the drink is a play on that.) The Sourtoe is not for the faint of stomach or clear of thinking.  It’s just a shot of booze with a mummified human toe in it, and it makes the saloon a shit-ton of money.  We, like everyone else in the bar, decided that it was just an opportunity for a story that was unlikely to ever come up again.  So at 9 o’clock we lined up with about 100 other people and waited our turn for the ‘toe.  I went first, then Paul, then Kim.  All were successful, if that’s the right word for this particular endeavor.  I will say that my mustache acted like a hair force-field, protecting my sensitive skin from the monstrous cargo in my glass.  We each got a certificate and our names entered in the Book of the Toe (seriously).  When I say it’s a Thing To Do, I mean it.  I am person number 90,305 to take part in this stupidity, according to their Book.  Would I do it again?  Probably not. Am I glad I did it?  You bet.

Inside, The Toe awaits.
Sweet Jesus, there it is.
The ritual commences.
That’s MISTER 90305 to you.

From there we went to Diamond Gertie’s Saloon and Casino.  Paul was insistent on seeing the can-can show, and I must admit that it was pretty spectacular.  We got a late dinner, which was tasty, and Paul gambled a bit.  By then it was midnight, and well past time to call it a night.  So we walked home in the midnight twilight, but on our cold weather layer, slid into sleeping bags and crashed out.

The “Madam”.
The “stable”.
Dawson, about 10:30pm or so.

Starting Odometer: 36211
Ending Odometer:36537
Daily Total: 326
Running Total: 3,984

Produce the Moose! Prodoooooooose the Moooooooose!

Northern Rockies Lodge to Whitehorse

It’s Day 10.  We were promised moose.  And yet, there is still no moose.  We Want The Moose!

This was basically a repeat of the previous day, but with better weather and consistently good scenery. We set out from the Lodge in a loose pack and drove about 40 minutes to the Liard Hot Springs.  On the way, we passed some roadside bison, but they sucked at hide and seek, so we knew they were inferior to the Yellowstone specimens of the week prior. We stopped to take a picture and Paul wisely decided to get off his bike and walk closer to the buffalo, you know…for science. He got off a pic or two before the bison seemed to notice that he was nearly close enough to nibble on, right about the same time that Paul noticed the same thing. Next thing I know Paul’s sprinting back to his bike like it’s an event in the Geriatric Olympics and we’re back on the road.

Morning mist on the mountains.
Putting the “jerk” in Buffalo Jerky.
“He bravely turned his tail and fled…”

Next stop, Liard. It’s a public “provincial” park run by the British Columbia government. Entry is $5, and there’s a nice campground on-site, too.  There’s a boardwalk that runs through a moose-infested swamp for about a 10 minute walk to the springs.  (Nary a moose to be found.  They are known to be masters of disguise, however, so it’s entirely possible that we passed right by an entire herd without noticing.)

How many moose can you spot in this picture?

At the spring there’s a lovely changing facility and a well-developed semi-natural pool around the spring.  I gamely stepped in on the “hot” end of the pool and instantly regretted my decision as my feet began to glow lobster red.  I bravely retreated and opted to start at the middle entrance.  Heaven.  This place set a very high bar for hot springs, and it was a public operation!  After about an hour, the group of us hiked back out (still no moose) and hit the road.  We then leapfrogged each other all the way to Whitehorse, checking in at gas stops along the way.  

Yes, this is a public facility.
In SoCal this would be so overrun it would just be People Soup.

There’s a Signpost Forest at a small village called Watson Lake.  Let’s just say that it was far larger than I’d imagined.  Row after row of posts filled with signs.  Street signs, city limits signs, handmade signs. On and on and on.  I found a few relevant to me, but no Ukiah or Redlands, unfortunately. That was the last we saw of Top Gun/Hun, as they stayed in an overpriced Days Inn in Whitehorse, then split off to go to his new posting in Anchorage.  Kim went to a campsite in town, and Paul and I went off to dinner at a place called Ribs and Salmon.  It served…ribs and salmon.  Both were tasty, but the townies seemed to think it was the best thing they’d ever eaten. It made me suspect that the choices in Whitehorse were both limited and basic.  There were no moose spotted on the way to Whitehorse, and none were seen inside the restaurant.

One of the main entrances.
Several rows deep, and it just goes on and on.
“It was terrible, all I could see was 496’s everywhere…”
The road to Whitehorse.

Over dinner we found a local B&B-type place for cheap, possibly because it was about 15 miles back the way we’d come.  Meh, what’s 15 more miles after nearly 4,000?  Of course, the wi-fi was terrible and there was no cell service to speak of, so it was a relatively early night.

The temperature on the ride was consistently in the mid-to-high 60’s (after the morning mist burned off).  The road was smooth and flowed through the landscape, meandering back and forth across the BC/Yukon territory border.  In spite of the fact that we passed 3 or 4 legitimate “Yukon Territory” signs, somehow we stopped for some counterfeit, private “Welcome” sign.  After that we refused to stop for a legit sign because, as Paul noted, we already had a picture with the best of the lot.

Wel Ome to Yukon. A traditional Inuit greeting.

Starting Odometer: 35716
Ending Odometer:36211
Daily Total: 495
Running Total: 3,658

Remember When I Said “At Least It Wasn’t Cold”?

Dawson Creek to Northern Rockies Lodge

It was cold.  It was coooooooooooooooooold.  You get the idea.  Shrinkage City. It was, in fact, A Dark and Stormy Night (Except It Was Daytime). 

Up, breakfasted, and gassed, we were good to go at about…wait for it…10am.  Breakfast was interesting because we met up with two other groups going our same route.  We had an Air Force Lt. Colonel driving his stuff to a new deployment to Elmendorf. With his au pair.  His hot, Aussie, hot, blond, hot, 20-year-old au pair. Did I mention she was hot?  We called them Top Gun and Top Hun.  And a single lady that had just been let go (along with her whole team, I guess) from PetSmart management.  We call her “Kim” and we’re approx. 80% sure that’s her name. So she did what you do and tossed her dog in her jeep for a three-month meander from San Diego to Alaska.  We overheard the waitress talking about a hot spring near our hotel for the night, raving about it.  Apparently, the waitress once saw a man go into the spring in a wheelchair and afterward he was able to crawl!  As a group, we decided to meet there the next morning on the way to Whitehorse.

And off we rode.  It was overcast and a bit chilly when we stopped at the “Mile 0” Signpost and gift shoppe for the Alcan Highway.  That was the best part of the day.  We continued on for a bit and took a slight detour to an original section of the highway that ran over a wood-decked, curved bridge. It was cool, but slippery when wet to be sure.

On the road again.
A wood decked bridge. Because you apparently can’t make them out of soap, teflon, or ice skating rinks.

Two or Three hours later we were a bit chillier.  A lot wetter, since a steady rain had started almost immediately.  And about out of gas.  So, we stumbled upon the Buckinghorse River Lodge.  I got some gas from their turbo-charged pump (spraying myself in the process), then joined Paul in the “restaurant.”  I think there was a hot plate and a Ronco Pocket Fisherman serving as the kitchen, but they put together a half-way decent grilled cheese and tomato soup combo.

…or can they?

This is Paul’s first real rain riding.  He was mostly prepared but hadn’t really tested his gear.  I got him set up with Rain-X, and he was able to hide behind his windshield for the most part, but his new “waterproof” boots were anything but.  He perked up a bit with the warm food and we hit the road again.  I had intentionally stacked two long days (this one and the next) back to back in order to maximize our time up in the North.  So, this was a very long day.

To make matters worse, the ride wasn’t interesting at all today.  So, it was the boring landscape from the day before, plus a lot more rain, and muuuuuch colder.  What had been low fifties quickly dropped to low forties, even dipping into the thirties at times.  I had an electric vest, an insulating layer, and the best waterproof gear made.  Between my vest and my heated handgrips, I really didn’t notice the cold at all. Paul wasn’t quite as well equipped, but at least he was dry but for his feet.    The ride was really wearing on both of us.

Really, the only excitement in the first 7 hours on the road came when a guy decided to use our lane to pass the semi in front of him…while we were in it.  We both slipped over onto the shoulder, and the truck cruised by us in our lane, mid-semi.  Many bad words were spoken.  

Paul claims he saw a bear, but I didn’t see it so it likely didn’t exist.  We saw a bison or two, but Garcon!  Garcon!  We were promised a moose.  Where is the moose?  Just like the caribou, sign after sign advertised the wonder of the Local Moose. But no moose were to be found. Paul has become obsessed with finding a moose.  I’m concerned, but it seems harmless at the moment.

In the last hour the rain finally cleared up and the road dried.  Just in time for us to go over a (frigid) pass and down through some beautiful scenery in these low Rockies.  It stayed cold but mostly dry for the last part of our ride, which was finally pretty nice.

By the time we got to our landing for the night, we were both about done.  Paul talked to the clerk about staying an extra day, just in case he couldn’t face another day like today.  We went to the bar and then into the dining room for dinner.  The hotel is the Northern Rockies Lodge on Muncho Lake.  It was built by a Swiss(?) immigrant float plane operator.  He built a business flying float planes in the arctic, then built the NRL as a dream project.  He nailed it. It’s all timber construction (log cabin style), and really impressive.  The bar is functional and the food is great.  

The Northern Rockies Lodge.
Nice large dining room.
The view from our room.
The lake that the hotel sits on.

We met up with Kim for a drink.  (We confirmed her name as Kim at this point.)  Everybody survived the day and the hot spring date was on.

Not long after dinner, we were off to bed.

Starting Odometer: 35283
Ending Odometer:35716
Daily Total: 433
Running Total: 3,163

A Terrible, Horrible, Very Bad Day. Okay, okay. It Was A Meh Day, At Least.

Hinton to Dawson Creek

Boooooooooo.  I was promised a caribou and all I got was this lousy 300-mile ride.  That pretty much sums up the day.  Oh, and it rained.

To be fair, there had to be some sort of let-down after the ridiculous string of spectacular riding days. This would be correct, and this must be the day.  Hooray?

We rolled out of Hinton at 10 o’clock-ish.  Surprise! Things started out nice: sunny, warm, etc.  It was all a lie.  Pretty soon the truth was revealed and the dark clouds moved in for the rest of the day. And at about the same time, we realized that we were riding through Wayerhouser’s croplands.  Acre after acre after acre…. Actually, it’d be better to measure the vastness in square miles.  It’s just staggering.  And it’s all cultivated trees for logging, since the old growth is pretty much gone. While pretty, it quickly got boring. There was no wildness to it at all. But man do I now know where America gets its toilet paper.  And building material.  And toothpicks.  It also looks like a large natural gas boom is in progress.  Perhaps fracking?  I don’t know.

But never fear, we were promised caribou!  Sign after sign warned of IMMINENT CARIBOU!  DRIVE SAFELY: CARIBOU!  HIDE YOUR CHILDREN: CARIBOU.  A special someone had even put out a special sign to announce “CARIBOU ON ROAD. PLEASE SLOW DOWN”. Oh yes, we slowed down.  But to no avail, and certainly no caribou.  But I get it; caribou are known for their dishonesty.  Regardless, we saw zero caribou aside from the ones depicted on the various signs warning us of the inevitability of seeing caribou.

The first thing of interest came early in the ride.  I spotted a roadside church and what appeared to be a cemetery next to it.  But the cemetery looked odd (be patient, child, you’ll see why).  So we circled back and tracked it down.  After some looking we found a track through the grass of the church’s yard.  The track disappeared around a corner and behind some trees.  Cool! A creepy forest path!  What could go wrong?  Paul waited on the dirt road, because his bike would slide around on the grass track.  I cruised down, just out of sight, and paul heard me exclaim “Holy Shit!” through the intercom just as it fuzzed out due to distance.  Apparently he sat there envisioning me being attacked by the local Hill people (we were surrounded by double-wides out in the middle of nowhere). Nope!  My kickstand had sunk into the grass and the bike nearly came over on top of me.  Luckily all was well, and Paul bravely sat there in concerned silence until I finally returned from my trek to the Creepy Cemetery.  What I found was this:

It’s like a cemetery for houses!

So I looked a little closer:

A little eerie, I must say.
Front of a fresher grave.

The house things all had been built over individual graves, like the ones above, outside the fence.  The graves were all planted with flowers in the mounded earth, including the ones under the doghouse-things.  It looked to me like the grave-houses could be lifted off and set aside, if need be.  My only guess would be to protect the graves from the snow in winter, but who knows?  In spite of the fact that we had driven all through the village and out to their cemetery, no one appeared to notice us, so there was no one to ask about their burial customs.  

Just as I wrapped up at the cemetery, the rain started.  And it never fucking stopped.  And the ride sucked.  Mile after mile of trees.  Then slow for construction to build infrastructure for the natural gas ops, it seemed.  Then trees, then slow, then trees and slow, etc.  Booooring.  If only the caribou had come through for us!  At least it wasn’t cold at all. And this time we were smart enough to gear up the second the rain came.  So we were dry and happy, apart from being bored.

We then passed through a town named Beaverlodge. The locals had a sense of humor about the name, as evidenced by a barber shop called “The Shaved Beaver.”   They also had a statue of a Giant Beaver.  It’s big.  It’s brown. It’s a beaver.  It’s clearly the statue of Wynona!

From the internet. It was too rainy to stop for a picture.

And that was it for interest.  We rolled into Dawson Creek an eternity later and went straight to the hotel.  It was a pleasant corporate place, and they had free pizza and beer for their guests.  It was heavenly after that day, frankly.

Starting Odometer: 34,988
Ending Odometer: 35,283
Daily Total: 295
Running Total: 2,730